There’s a song by Raye that’s having a moment on TikTok. It starts by her singing: ‘Where the hell is my husband? What is taking him so long to find me?’ and continues into a delightfully catchy (hence the viral TikTok audio) verse where she sings: ‘I would like a ring, I would like a ring, I would like a diamond ring on my wedding finger, I would like a big and shiny diamond that I can wave around and talk about it.’
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Sabrina Carpenter’s new album, Man’s Best Friend, has also recently been released, featuring songs with tongue-in-cheek lyrics such as, ‘I get wet at the thought of you, being a responsible guy. Treating me like you’re supposed to do, tears run down my thighs,’ and the like.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
These songs have hit me harder than they perhaps would have a couple of months ago, when I was in a relationship. Yes, I can finally say I’ve had an official boyfriend. Now, nine months since our first date and five months after becoming boyfriend-girlfriend (gag), I can say I’ve had my first official break up.
I had a feeling in my gut I just couldn’t seem to shift, about us being too different. It came in waves, thinking that difference wasn’t necessarily a bad thing and that it was what made us better, but that would all crash when we would clash over something or another. The current was too strong for my liking. I didn’t think it was fair for me to want him to change in the ways that I did, as much as I did. He is who he is. I am who I am. And while I do believe we’ve both left the relationship as better people, having learnt valuable lessons from each other, I wasn’t convinced we could have a solid future together that served both of our needs, that could withstand the hard times as well as the good ones, and that didn’t lead to resentment.
I’m still asking myself if I could really make that call after such a short time. I tried ignoring it and focusing on enjoying the experience, which I very much did, but every now and then I felt like there were little signs to say we weren’t meant to be forever, and a realisation that I am in fact looking for my forever.
I didn’t really get it before, all those songs about heartbreak. All those scenes in TV shows and films where a relationship ends and the characters mope around. I’d never been in love like this partly because I’d never allowed myself to fall so heavily into it. I’d also never met a man who made me feel the way he did, who had me checking my phone as often as he did, who made me laugh like he did. I’d never promised to be exclusive with someone out of fear of this very situation – the sadness when it comes to an end.
We had a very firm separation. We broke up, hugged goodbye, he left my flat and we haven’t spoken since. He blocked me on social media that same day. I know that’s probably for the best, but I can’t stand acting like someone who was such a prominent part of my life doesn’t exist anymore. Like they’re dead. I can’t bear it. I’m still trying to psychoanalyse myself to figure out why I hate it so deeply, but that’s something I’ve always struggled with in relationships, romantic or not.
I’ve thought about messaging him so many times and resisted in the name of ‘doing what’s right’ but also out of worry that he’s already moved on to someone else, and hasn’t been struggling in the way that I have. Maybe he didn’t love me as much as he said he did? Surely he would’ve reached out by now if he did. But then he was a very proud man, and this was my decision, so maybe he wants to honour that. Is he okay? Does he think about me as much as I think about him? Does he miss me? The mind spirals. When will I feel content with the unanswered questions?
In that first week since splitting up I made a list of the reasons I decided to end it, so every time I panicked I’d made the wrong decision I had a reminder. This was the same week Taylor Swift got engaged, so I added a reminder to my list that if she can survive all those heartbreaks and eventually find her guy, so can I. Perhaps I could even make a profit off of it like she has.
As much as this bit sucks, I’m so pleased I can look back on our relationship fondly. It had its ups and downs but the experience was full of surprises and lessons, of laughter and fun, and I can wholeheartedly say I’ve come out of it a better version of myself.
I became someone I didn’t recognise during the relationship. Well, actually, it wasn’t so much of a becoming as it was an unmasking. A peeling back of layers, a hand on my hand with a tight squeeze and kind eyes that confirmed it was alright. To let it go – the icy approach, the arm’s length, the joke in every serious moment, the self-deprecation refusing to accept adoration.
I learnt I like things I never thought I would. I learnt I wasn’t so resistant to them after all. The odd bit of PDA. Leaning on a shoulder while sitting on the tube. Kissing goodbye the next morning, wishing each other a good day at work within the eyes and ears of strangers. The way his hand dangled behind him with a silent signal for mine to slide into it, and the way my hand did, for the very first time, without hesitation. Being called baby. Being called baby princess. Things that would have made me cringe and recoil before but he did it and I felt silly and gooey and soft. Soft. Learning that soft isn’t bad. That soft can be good, healing. It hurts, yeah. It’s more painful to be soft. But constantly being hard hurts more, in the long run.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who was so intense as to say she was looking for a husband, but we dabbled in the thought of us as man and wife. Conversation would naturally slip into how we’d manage time and energy in our big house with our children and full-time jobs. I could probably afford to stop working, if I wanted to. No, we can’t give our son that name. Because it’s weird to give your child such a strikingly Italian name when neither of you have any Italian heritage, isn’t it?
I got a taste of what that life could be like, to have a husband, and for the first time, I’m not afraid to admit that I liked it. That I want it.
So I guess all that’s left is for me to join Raye and the hundreds of other TikTokers using a trending audio to expose their heart’s desires in asking, where the hell is my husband? I’ll redownload the dating apps as a start…